The Cliché Chocolate Love Confession
by broomcloud
Summary: Erica's latest scheme involves pretending to be in love with someone. She foolishly chooses Kenny McCormick.
1. Notice me, senpai

It was like any other day. Kenny had left class to retrieve a textbook he had forgotten and got sidetracked by his porn stash. He was flipping through a Playboy in the safety of his locker when a girl suddenly called out to him from behind.

"Kenny?"

He panicked and slammed his locker shut as fast as he could. The last thing he needed was to give everyone more proof that he was a pervert. That was why he'd only ever had one girlfriend. Because he was seen as a creep, female students generally avoided him.

But if he had known it was just Erica Cartman, he wouldn't have cared.

"Uh, hi," she mumbled quietly before averting her gaze. She seemed really nervous for some reason.

Kenny didn't know much about Erica, just that he should stay away from her. While she seemed like another regular annoying fat kid, there were rumors that her loudmouthed persona was a front for a cold and calculated criminal mind. Apparently she'd do just about anything for money and had already been to juvie numerous times.

But Kenny didn't care about rumors. What he did care about was appearances. And since Erica was overweight and unpopular, he had no reason to be intimidated by her.

"Can I help you with something?" he asked curtly. He wanted her to hurry up so he could to get back to his porn.

The short brunette fidgeted. She seemed like a shy girl, not dangerous in the least.

"I, um, don't want to bother you," she murmured to the ground, "But there's something I've wanted to say to you since the beginning of this year and I just can't keep it inside anymore."

Oh no. It was THAT conversation. The confession of one-sided love that would make Kenny feel like an asshole when he ultimately rejected her.

"I think you're really great, Kenny. I know we don't know each other that well, but I've always noticed you around school." She pronounced "school" really strangely. "You seem really nice, and kewl, and funny..."

Kenny was stunned. Where the hell was this coming from? They'd never even talked before!

Her eyes shone with tears. "I know this must sound really dumb, and I'm sure there are a lot of other girls who like you. But I had to tell you. It's been driving me crazy!" She took a something out of her sweatshirt pocket and held it out to him. It was a box of chocolates.

"I want you to have these. Just to make up for wasting your time. I'm sorry!" She put her free hand over her face and started crying. "I just really like you, Kenny!"

When someone professes their unrequited love to you, there are numerous responses you can give. Some will hurt the person, others will soften the blow. But Kenny's reaction just made him look like a shallow douchebag.

"Wow! You're giving me these just because you like me?" he exclaimed. "That's so freakin' cute!" He acted like he had just seen a kitten sneezing, not heard a girl pour her soul out to him at the risk of painful rejection. He may as well have clapped and thrown her a rose for her performance.

"I didn't know girls still did that! Confessions with chocolate, I mean. Nowadays you send somebody else to ask the person out or you send them a text or something. But I'm glad you're keeping the tradition alive. It feels really good to be told in person. You totally made my day; thank you so much!"

Erica moved her hand away from her face. She was very confused.  
"Huh?"

Kenny surveyed her approvingly. The blushing, the pigtails, her big b...er, brown eyes...oddly enough, it was all kind of working for him. He'd never noticed until now what a cute face she had, probably because he was always either sleeping during class or looking at porn. "So basically you're asking me out?" he summarized.

She shrugged. "Um, yeah, I guess so. But I know that there's no way you'd ever want to be with—"

Kenny took the chocolates and practically threw them on the ground so he could take her hands. No, actually he did throw them. "I accept!" he shouted.

Erica's mouth dropped open. "What?!" she squeaked. He was not supposed to accept! He was supposed to call her a bitch, feel bad for doing so and then take the chocolate at her insistence, thus carrying out her agenda. "Please, don't accept just to spare my dignity. I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth. I know I'm not hot and skinny like other—"

"Forget that! You're good enough for me!" She had underestimated how low Kenny's standards were. "Can I take you out tonight? Maybe we can go see a movie or something. We'll have to sneak in because I'm broke. But I think sneaking in is part of the fun! What do you say?"

Cartman, who was never afraid of anything, was actually scared by this boy's advances. "I-I changed my mind," she said quickly. "I don't really want to date you so please just take the chocolate and forget I said anything!"

"Huh?" Oh right, there had been chocolate, which in his excitement he had thrown on the floor. Both of them looked down at the remains. All of the candies had spilled out onto the muddy floor that badly needed to be washed.

"Normally I'm not one to waste food, but a third-grader pissed himself in this spot yesterday, so..." He smiled at her. "Really sorry about that, they looked super delicious!"

Plan: destroyed.

"Weak," Cartman muttered under her breath.

"I guess I should be getting back now," Kenny said, picking up his textbook. "I'll see you in class, Erica!"

After Kenny disappeared, Erica began to collect the scattered chocolates. Then it appeared she began to talk to herself.

"What a creep," she muttered. "I'm sorry, I didn't know he was like that. We'll try again with somebody different, okay?"

She thought she could just move on from this brush with the weird parka boy and act like nothing happened.

She underestimated Kenny McCormick.


	2. Bad innuendo

Respecting other people's authoritah sucked ass. That's what Erica kept thinking as she stormed off, furious at the new mission she had been assigned. Today's failure hadn't gone over well, especially since she had promised the confession-with-chocolates trick was foolproof. In her defense, it had worked on boys in the past. She'd gotten a kid to crap his pants in front of everyone that way. But if she'd known today would be her only shot for two months, she might have been more careful. She certainly would have done some background on her target, since she didn't find out until too late what kind of person Kenny was. No, someone that poor and disgusting shouldn't count as a person; more like a "thing." An ugly, scrawny, perverted orange _thing.  
_  
And now she was supposed to become friends with said thing. Seriously?! What kind of mission was that? It was more like cruel and unusual punishment.

"'Be nice to the McCormick boy?!' Well you can shove it up your ass and suck my thirteen-point-seven-inch long Valigarmanda!" she shouted, knowing full well the person she was yelling at was back at the house and couldn't hear her. The old lady out getting her mail, however, did hear her and looked very alarmed. For some reason this pissed Cartman off.

"Yeah that's right! I'm talkin' to you, Grandma! Spit or swallow, what's it gonna be, bitch?!"

There was a scraping of footsteps behind her and suddenly everything was black; some asshole had put their hands over Erica's eyes. She was about to shout "Molester!" at the top of her lungs and kick them in the nuts, but then the person spoke and she realized who it was: one of the few people she wouldn't ever want to hurt.  
"What's up your butt, Princess?" he asked in an amused voice.  
Erica pried the boy's hands off and turned to face him. He was tall with messy black hair and an upturned nose; he had a few years and at least a head of height on Cartman. On his T-shirt was a smiling Mickey Mouse.

Erica was relieved to see him, but she tried to play it off. "I'm looking for someone to service my huge cock. You got a problem with that?"  
He laughed. "Normally no, but I know you're not into old ladies. What's the real problem?"  
Erica was too tired to make something up. "My partner pissed me off."  
The young man raised an eyebrow. "Partner? In what? Another one of your schemes?"  
"Yeah, somethin' like that," she muttered.  
He could tell by the look on her face that she needed his company. Thankfully, he knew just how to cheer her up. "I was about to go inside and make some chili. Do you wanna help me?"  
Erica's stomach replied before she could. A long silence followed.  
"...Sh-shut up, dork! I'm fucking hungry as fuck, okay?!"  
"Hey, I didn't say anything..."  
Cartman couldn't really stay mad. She was about to eat chili with one of the few human beings in the world that she didn't wish a fiery death upon. What was more therapeutic than that?

Kenny had started making a list of all the things he knew about Erica. So far he knew she liked him, Terrence and Phillip, and puffball hats, and she wore polka-dotted underwear. This last thing he had figured out as he was walking back to class. Realizing he should have helped Erica throw away the chocolates, he turned back to see her bending over to collect them. Probably because she was wearing tights she didn't think twice about doing so in a short skirt; truthfully, you wouldn't be able to see anything unless you stood there looking carefully for rather a long time. Which is exactly what Kenny did.

Underwear choices aside, he did know a few other things. For one, she used to be best friends with Wendy, but they didn't seem to like each other much now. They were always using class debates as an excuse to argue. Now Erica hung out with a few other unpopular girls, but she didn't seem to have a stable group of friends. Also, because there were already several Ericas in their grade, at least half the class referred to her as Cartman.

None of this was really helpful if he wanted to convince her to go out with him, however. Obviously she was a bit shy; in hindsight, perhaps he shouldn't have been quite so loud and yeah, maybe he shouldn't have touched her. But what could he do to get her to change her mind again and give him a chance?

The next day Erica walked into class with her breath held. She just knew that Kenny loser was going to do something stupid. She didn't want anyone knowing that she "liked" anyone, let alone such a weirdo.

Sure enough, as she walked into class Kenny instantly perked up like he had been anxiously awaiting her arrival. Thankfully he didn't do anything idiotic like wave or yell "Hi, Erica!" but his eyes were trained right on her and he refused to look away.

To avoid being stared at, Erica sat as far away from Kenny as possible. That didn't stop him from glancing her way every few seconds, however. Eventually Stan and Kyle noticed.  
"Dude, who do you keep looking at?" Stan asked.  
Kenny's intuition told him to lie.  
"Uh, Bebe," he said quickly. "Her shirt is super tight and you can see her-"  
"Okay, we get it. Thank you," Kyle said in disgust, though he did briefly glance Bebe's way to see if she was actually wearing a slutty shirt.  
Kenny went back to observing Erica. He knew it was creepy, but he couldn't help it. Right now she looked adorable, kicking her legs absently and sticking her tongue out in concentration as she drew something. That she would be drawing with such focus while everyone else was talking just showed what an innocent, sensitive girl she was.

Cartman hummed and added more blood to her doodle of Kenny's dead body. To fill up the page she'd drawn Kyle and Wendy's skeletons, too.  
"May you all burn in hell," she whispered as she drew some rats coming out of Kenny's ragged mouth. She also took out his eyes so that at least the picture version of him couldn't stare at her anymore.

After class Kenny stayed behind to approach Cartman at her desk. She quickly shut her notebook so he couldn't see all the swastikas and dead classmates she'd drawn. Let him think the pages were full of unicorns and kittens and other hippie faggotry.  
"If you have some time, I have something to give you," the blonde said with a shy smile.  
Cartman knew she'd made a promise to be polite. "Okay." _But if the 'something' is your wood it's going through a chipper._

They sat down on a bench underneath a tree on the outskirts of the playground. It was cramped, but Erica was very careful not to let their thighs or elbows touch.  
"So what did you want to show me?" she asked.  
"Right!" Kenny reached into the depths of his parka pocket for the present. "A-ha!" He pulled it out proudly.  
Cartman stared blankly. "...That's what you wanted to give me. An issue of Playboy?"  
Kenny did a double-take. _Shit! _"No, that's not what I meant to show you." He hurriedly threw the dirty magazine to the side and found the box. "Here!" He handed her the chocolates, the ones he'd begged outside the sweets shop for until someone felt bad for him and gave him the money. "Since I spilled yours, I wanted to get you some in return." Erica didn't say anything, so Kenny kept talking nervously. "Uh, you like chocolate don't you? I got the good kind. Some of them are caramel, some of them have marshmallow in the middle. Do you like marshmallows?"  
She _loved _marshmallows. Goddammit. How had he chosen her favorite kind on the first try? He was probably stalking her.  
"Can we cut the bullshit?"  
The parka-clad boy just stared at her. "E-Excuse me?"  
"Look, Kinny-"  
"Kenny," Kenny corrected.  
Erica glared. "That's what I said! Now look: I may not know you that well but I do know that your family is the poorest in South Park." That's part of why she picked him; she knew he wouldn't turn down free food. "You obviously had some money, but you'd think you'd use it to feed your family. Why spend it on me?"

Kenny hadn't thought about that, and now he felt guilty. "I dunno. I just thought maybe you were mad at me for ruining the chocolate, and this would make you forgive me. And then maybe you would, you know, give me something in return."

Erica flinched and drew to the other end of the bench like Kenny had been lit on fire. There was only one "something" he could be talking about. "Look perv, if you're horny go buy some Swiss cheese! Leave me out of it! I'm not the kind of girl who would sixty-nine a guy she hardly knows, and you can't bribe me into ******* your ******* or your *****! Use a d***** or something if you're that desperate! I'm sure my dad could recommend a place. Just don't molest me, okay?!"

Kenny looked at her with a mix of confusion and alarm. "Molest? Wait, what? Did you say *****? Where the hell did you learn that?!" Did she like porn as much as he did?

"My daddy," she said simply. Well, that did make sense. Her father was the town slut, after all. "But you know, you're the pervert, not my daddy." She pointed an accusing finger at Kenny. "You're the one who carries Playboy with you and buys girls gifts so that they'll go down on your charliebrowns!"

"That's not what I was asking for!" Kenny exclaimed in exasperation. How had this simple conversation escalated so quickly? "I meant a kiss! You know, on the mouth!"

"...Oh." Well no way in hell was she doing that either.

Kenny noticed her unenthusiastic expression. "I don't get it. Yesterday you were all into me, and now you act like you can't stand me. What did I do?"

Cartman shook her head. "It's not you. It's just my time of the month." She felt bad for using such a cheap trick...wait, no she didn't.

Kenny looked away uncomfortably. "Oh. Okay."

Erica looked at the chocolate and frowned. _Be nice, be nice... _"You asked me if I like marshmallows. I do. Also, this brand is my favorite. So, um...thanks, Kenny."

The blonde's face turned red. Her smile-so damn cute!

Erica's sweet expression faded. "But I have to ask that you don't tell anybody that I like you."

Kenny sighed. "Yeah, I get it. Nobody would want to admit that they have a crush on Penny McPoormick." He didn't know it, but the one who'd first given him that nickname was Erica.

_Be nice...goddamn it, I hate being nice! _It was time for some bad acting. Erica scooted back towards Kenny until they were almost touching. "I didn't mean it like that. I've just never had a boyfriend before, so I want to be careful. I don't want to get hurt. And besides, I think it's more romantic this way." She started to lean in, like she wanted to kiss him. "It's our secret. Um, can I?"

Kenny tried to hide his enthusiasm and failed. "Of course!" He leaned in too, grabbing her hand in his. He'd somehow managed to soften Erica's icy heart and now they were having their first kiss. Damn, he was good.

...But nothing was happening. He opened his eyes.

Erica was smirking at him, holding a leaf. "This was on your jacket. I was just taking it off for you. I thought it might be forward of me, but you said I could. Unless, of course, you misunderstood me..."

Fuck being nice; it felt good to troll. Sure, she was disobeying an order, but it was worth it. She knew she'd need to savor that horrified humiliated expression on the pervert's stupid face in order to stay sane over the next two months.

* * *

_A/N: Ruka Kurokawa is an awesomesauce beta. And the readers who put up with me taking so damn long to update are equally awesome._  
_If you don't know who he is already, Erica's friend is an actual character on the show, if a minor one.  
_


	3. Cat people have issues

Kenny had gotten a cat when he was five years old. A stray who had been wandering around the liquor store where she was found by Stuart, the grey tabby had a hard time acclimating to her new environment. Kenny found this out the hard way when he reached under the couch where she was hiding after she'd first been brought home.

"Ouch!" he squealed, holding his injured hand. "Mommy, I don't like this cat! It's mean!"  
His mother knelt down beside him and ruffled his hair-or his hood, anyway. "It's okay, Kenny. This is just how cats are. They have a hard time trusting people at first, but give her some time; she'll come around."

It took nearly a week, but sure enough, Kenny walked to the couch one day to find the cat at his heel. From then on she'd allow herself to be petted and sit on Kenny's lap when he slumped in front of the television, blocking his view of the screen. He couldn't believe there was a time this clingy animal had wanted nothing to do with him.

And that's why he was so hesitant to give up on Erica Cartman. Okay, so she wasn't a cat, but she was similar to one in personality. With cats you just have to be patient and eventually, all the effort will be worth your while. Plus, she was still the best chance he had of getting a girlfriend.

And yeah, assume that he made some pussy jokes and laughed.

* * *

"...So then she voids her bowels, right, and it all falls right into the toilet! I guess the killer didn't want to play janitor after he stabbed her brain through her eye socket!"  
Erica was spending lunch with her only friend at school, who she (not so) secretly despised. As usual, she was finishing up a disgusting story that was totally inappropriate in a lunch setting. She only did this because she knew that she could swipe other people's lunches if they were too grossed out to eat. And not to brag, but making people lose their appetites was kind of her wheelhouse.

"Jesus, Lisa, your mom is a baking god," Erica sighed as she ate another cookie, "These snickerdoodles are freaking awesome. You're missin' out."  
Lisa Berger, whose last name was just as unfortunate as her hairstyle and oversized glasses nodded miserably. "I know, but after you told that story about dead people voiding their bowels I don't want to eat anything. I really wish you would stop doing that."

Erica waved her off. "Ah, cool it, bitch. I'm doing you a favor. I mean you gotta fit into that skimpy cheerleader uniform somehow, right?" Lately she'd been resenting Lisa for choosing to try out for the cheer squad. "And y'know, maybe if you look good then Butters will jack it to you at night or something." She'd said this to make Lisa uncomfortable but she suddenly realized that if any boy did that, it'd be Kenny. "Er, guys really do that, right? I mean I was just kidding. They don't actually..."

"I don't know! Shut up!" Lisa exclaimed, red-faced. "That's gross! Why would I even want Butters to...even if I did like him...EW!"  
Score. Maybe now Lisa wouldn't be hungry for her pudding either. "Well, even so, maybe I better quit wearing short skirts for a while. You don't wanna give people the wrong idea, y'know..."  
Lisa didn't. "I'm ugly and fat, so nobody would pay attention to me even if I wore something different."  
Erica rolled her eyes. "Here we go again with the Sad Clown bullshit. 'Boo-hoo, I'm so ugly and no one loves me, I wear my pants up to my tits and I'd be better off dead!'"  
"Uh, I never said those last two-"  
"Really, the one complaining should be me! You're ditching me for Wendy Testabutthole and her army of skanks-which you'll totally regret, by the way. Wendy may seem like a nice enough girl but trust me, you obviously don't know jack shit about the real Wendy if you think you can trust her! She'll Jew a bunch of information out of you and then spread it around to everybody, watch. About how you're hot for that nerd Kevin Stoley-"

"I'm not 'hot' for Kevin!" Lisa said, grabbing Erica's arm. "Jesus, lower your voice! I don't want anyone to hear." She blushed. "I mean I like him. I do...he's just such a nice guy. He never calls me fat, or makes fun of me. He's just a great person. I hope it's not obvious that I like him, though. I mean it's not like he'd ever..."  
"BORED," Erica interrupted, reaching toward her "friend's" lunchbox. "You're not gonna eat that pudding, are you?" Then suddenly something clicked in her brain. _Of course!_

"Say Lisa, buddy..." she said, awkwardly sliding her hand around the other girl's shoulder, "How exactly does one act when they wanna get into someone's...I mean, when they like somebody? I'm, uh, just kind of curious since I've never had a crush on anyone before." Except for the comedian Terrence and that kid Patrick...she really didn't want to think about that.

Lisa fidgeted with her glasses. "Uh, I dunno. That's like, kinda weird to ask. I can't really put it into words anyway."

Erica nodded. "Oh, okay. I get it." Then she turned her head and suddenly called out, "Hey Stoley! Come over here!" Lisa immediately freaked out as Kevin turned around and began walking up to their table. Cartman studied her reaction.

_Okay, so all I have to do is copy this pathetic loser I call "friend" so I can keep duping that manwhore Kenny into thinking I'm in love with him._ This is the point where most people would stop and go "Wow, I'm a fucking terrible person and I should rethink my life choices." Not Cartman.

That afternoon the class went to visit the school library. Everyone was told to check out at least one book; comics didn't count. Since that left out Terrence and Phillip strips, Kenny usually chose medical books (for several reasons, some less innocent than others). Today, however, he was being drawn to the horror section. He wanted to avoid his friends, who he was still mad at, but he also knew that a certain someone liked that genre a whole lot.

Erica was standing alone in that same section, flipping through various novels and scanning for words like "decapitated" "ooze" and "cerebral fluid"-signs that it was a book worth reading. When she heard someone behind her she assumed it was a Goth or Vampire, since they were the only horror fans at the school besides her.

None of them had ever started to _hum _apropos of nothing before, though. Erica closed a copy of The Cat Lady with a snap to confront the cheerful idiot.

"Can you shut your fro-Oh, Kenny!" Erica backpedaled as she recognized the jacket. What was he doing humming?! Was he trying to sound casual? Wait, now would be the perfect time to practice the stuff she'd learned from Lisa. Tip one: be more jumpy and stuttering than that kid Tweek. "Uh, hey! I didn't, uh, s-see you there and...y-yeah. Hi!"

Kenny seemed to buy it; surprise, surprise. "Hi. I just thought I'd try to read something scary for a change." He was still faced towards his aisle so it would look like they weren't interacting, but he stole a quick glance over his shoulder. "Anything you could recommend?"

Erica made sure no one was around before she sidled over to where Kenny was standing. "This is my favorite," she said, pointing to Silence of the Lambs. "I've read it a billion times. That one, and the Necrofest series is good until the fifth book where it gets all werewolf-y and gay."  
Just as she was about to point to another book Kenny reached for the same one.  
"How about-" he trailed off when he realized their hands were touching. His face was pulsing red. "Sorr-"  
"No, I'm sorry!" Erica squeaked, drawing her hand away quickly and letting out an awkward giggle. Sure this was all cliche as fuck, but that didn't make her any less adorable.

Kenny clearly thought so, too. _Well if he wasn't gonna jack it before..._

"I'm, uh, gonna go check this out now," Erica said, holding up her book. "Later, Kenny." She started to walk away but turned back again, having thought of something. "The Witch's House is really good. You should get that one." It _was_ actually a very good book. It had also been terrifying, disgusting and had given her nightmares for weeks. "I think you'll really enjoy it, Kenny."

* * *

A few hours later Kenny was on his way home from Stan's house. Kenny lived at the very edge of the bad side of town, in a secluded and forgotten area. Aside from the occasional hobo or drug addict, it was rare to see anyone walking around near his house. Especially not a girl his age.

This girl was playing with his cat Milly, speaking to it gently and stroking its head with a soft smile on her face. She had shoulder-length brown hair and wore a familiar teal cap.

"Erica?" She didn't hear him. She just kept giggling and conversing with the cat. Then when she reached out to pet her, she got scratched.

"Hey! That's a bad kitty!" She picked up a nearby twig. She was intending to give the cat some "tough love," but Kenny was still under the impression that she was a decent human being.

"I don't think she knows how to play fetch," he called out.

Erica dropped the stick, hoping it wasn't obvious she'd been about to brain an innocent animal over the head with it. Looking up, she saw a face she was getting really damn tired of.

"Oh...hey, Kenny," she replied. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Uh, not really. This is my neighborhood," he said. "So, what brings you to the _bad_ side of town?" He asked this with playful sarcasm.  
"Guess I walked too far," she answered. To be fair, the bad side of town was just down the block from her own house. "Does this kitty belong to you?"  
He shrugged. "Sort of. She comes and goes. You a cat person?"

She nodded, still looking at the cat. "Cats are the best. They're not annoying and stupid like most animals. And they aren't idiots who'll trust anybody. It takes some work to get them to like you. Not everybody has the patience, but..." she trailed off and turned slightly red. She looked up at Kenny accusingly. "Wh-why are you staring at me like that? You think I'm faggy for liking cats better than dogs?"

Kenny smiled. "No. It's just funny because I feel the same way."

"Hmph. Woulda pegged you for a dog person. The more you know."  
The blonde laughed. "...We don't actually know each other that well, do we?"  
Erica stood up. "What would you want to know?"  
"Um, well-"  
"I'll tell you five things about myself, and then you. Okay? Here goes. I'm Dutch-Irish, blood type AB negative, my middle name is Theresa, I don't have a mom, and I have a cat named Mr. Kitty."  
Kenny tried to take in all the information at once. "Okay...I was thinking more likes and dislikes, but fine... Well, I'm Irish which is probably obvious from my last name, no freakin' clue what my blood type is, don't have a middle name, my parents are idiotic drunks, and my cat's named...wait, did you say you call your cat Mr. Kitty?"  
Erica looked insulted. "Don't laugh. I named her when I was three, okay?!"  
This just made it harder for Kenny to keep a straight face. "You named your female...cat..." he said slowly, trying his best not to laugh, "_Mr._ Kitty..." In the end, he couldn't keep it all in.

"Are you quite done?" Erica asked in irritation moments later. "I'm glad that little tidbit about myself was so entertaining for you. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back. I'm sure my Dad's worried about me." She shouldered her backpack and picked up the plastic bag she'd been holding. It was a grocery bag, but there was only one thing inside. It was an odd shape.

Kenny's curiosity got the better of him. "Hey, what is that?"

Cartman saw where he was looking and answered in monotone, "A dead rat."  
Kenny cracked a smile at her snarkiness. "Okay, sorry for prying."  
"No, it's really a dead rat," she assured him. "But before you go assuming I have some bestiality fixation mixed with necrophilia, uh..." What the hell excuse could she give? She was stuck.

"...Does it have to do with you liking horror?" Kenny guessed. He would have liked to have known this kind of thing before he started trying to win her over.  
"Uh, kind of," Erica said, feeding off the notion. "I'm kinda having a turf war with this neighbor of mine, so I want to scare the shit out of him. I'm gonna give him its head Godfather-style. Except I'll put it in his mailbox. I'm not _that _insane." Actually, putting a corpse in someone's bed sounded like classic Erica.

Kenny nodded. She knew he'd probably appreciate a disgusting prank, being a guy and all. "That's...kind of cool, actually. Do you need some help?"

"No, but thank your cat for me. I think she's the one who killed this little guy in the first place." She'd have to remember to bring it some cat food later, since it probably didn't get much from the McCormicks.

Kenny watched her walk away with a slight feeling of confusion.  
"Erica is...weird." But she was nice, too. He couldn't wait to read that book she'd suggested, and it was cool that she pranked people like he, Stan and Kyle often did. Maybe they could all do that together someday.

He heard a meow below him and saw that Milly had come back.  
"I think I just got one of your own kind to open up to me a little," he said, stroking her head.  
In response the cat suddenly reached up, bit his arm with a hiss and sauntered away.  
Which was definitely cat-speak for "don't get ahead of yourself, asshole."

* * *

**N/A: Thanks again to Ruka Kurokawa for beta-ing this through several painful drafts! And to my readers for putting up with my painful indecision and that terrible last chapter, which has been deleted. I didn't like the timing of that scene, so let's pretend it never happened. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about...good. I also took Butters out of the story, because I'm not sure what role I'd like him to have yet. Maybe he should even be a she...ahh, I'm way too indecisive. As always feedback is very much appreciated because I have no freakin' idea what I'm doing.**


End file.
